Dating an emotionless man
Karl resisted counseling then, just as he was doing now, but now Carolyn wondered if she wanted to stay married. Everything’s fine as long as he can ignore anything with emotions. I want him to ask how my day was and to be genuinely interested in what’s happening with me. ” “No, you’re not asking for too much, and you’re certainly not alone,” I said.
But, I’m 50 years old and tired of living in a passionless marriage. “Karl is doing what a lot of men do—putting his head in the sand, trying to escape any emotional intensity, solving problems once and for all, and blowing up in exasperation if he can’t solve a problem quickly and easily.
I’d say I was into them and I was pretty convincing, but a day later, I’d be annoyed and irritable and just want to be alone or with guy friends because I thought they were “easier.” Deep down, men like this are very ambivalent about being close with a woman for a long period of time.
The older a man gets, the more he hates this about himself, and he often stays stuck by staying in the relationship, but giving very little.
“I suspect Karl cares a great deal for you, Carolyn,” I said reassuringly.
“Do you think it’s possible he simply doesn’t know how to relate emotionally? They’d like men to ‘get them;’ understand their emotional needs.
When I used to get triggered by the women I dated, I didn’t know how to be with myself or my feelings so I would simply disconnect or check out.
It’s what most normal people do who don’t know how to deal with their internal upset.
It’s about where he is at in this moment emotionally and staying with that discomfort, instead of running or presenting it as fixed, resolved or all sorted out.
Because we are all unique individuals, we respond to this social conditioning in many different ways and it effects us differently.
Some men are influenced to become emotionless and some very emotional, and of course everything in between.
“I’m so frustrated,” Carolyn said, spitting out her words.
“Why do I have to be the one to care about our marriage? ” Carolyn had been married to Karl for over 30 years, and here she was in counseling again hoping to learn how to reverse or hopefully eliminate a pattern that was stifling her.
Being emotionally available is not that easy for any of us.